I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
