Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
