i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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