i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dignity is for republicans.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
