It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
