she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
