What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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