I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
