i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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