I used to practice getting hit by cars.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
