I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Someone shattered a urinal.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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