You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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