Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
