I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
