i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
