just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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