Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
