I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
