I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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