Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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