I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
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