I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
