i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
