im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
you never un-have a 4some
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
