I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
