I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
