i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
