i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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