obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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