never play flip cup with pint glasses
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm passing your future prison.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize