I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
