My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
