I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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