When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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