I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
