We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
