a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize