i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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