you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
