I wish I could punch you in the face.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I touched a dick in church today
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
