Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
