At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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