I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
