My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
