I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
