the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
