Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
