"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
