3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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