I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
