Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
