I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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