my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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