the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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