I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
