I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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