your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
