yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
