Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
