just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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