a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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