I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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