Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
